Here. Now.

Quiet.  Unbelievably quiet. His dad watches the hugs with tears filling his eyes.  Quiet knowing glances.  Last pats with the dog. Sitting.  Slow tears (mine). Texts.  Calls.

Max is, of course, the matter-of-fact one. "We'll see you in October, and then Thanksgiving, and then Christmas, and then summer break." Indeed, we will.

I find that others warn you of this day, much like the day he entered this world. The baby who failed part of the APGAR because they needed to make him cry. No one can fully describe the moment they launch as adults.  Its similarity to Kindergarten is shocking.  He's ready.  It's time. We've given him wings, a map, and a net.  And our hearts.

Milestone experienced.

Focus

Just one of those simple, overpriced pictures they take at Six Flags when you walk in.  They are hoping that you will buy their merchandise.  I did, indeed, purchase this after a trip to Six Flags in Gurnee with Ignatius.  I believe he was nine at the time.  Maybe 10.  

Tonight, I looked in it only to see he and I as both younger people.  So much had not happened in our lives at that point.  It was just Mom and Ig enjoying a day together.  

As of late, I have been thinking about the reality of what is to come.  He will really be going to Virginia, and I will really be staying here.  It's the end goal.  It's what I was working for 18 years to have happen.  Right?  So why does the mind play its tricks? Why is there sadness involved?  It should feel only like success.  Instead: ambivalence.  

The Next Phase

Hear that?  That's the sound of life speeding by...

That little Kindergartner is now a high school freshman.

Pretending

As a child of the 70s, I did a great deal of pretending.  Even though many people judged TV as the harbinger of doom that would forever change our generation into a bunch of coach potatoes, most of my friends and I played outside or at each other's houses.  What did we do?  Pretend.

We were Luke, Han Solo, and Lea fighting Darth Vader.  We were the Hardy Boys solving a mystery.  We were the Pink Ladies.  We made snow angels and chad snow ball battles.  Recent WWF moves were re-enacted (most of the time with me as the guinea pig, but I digress).

No, this is not a walk down memory lane or an intro to a lecture about the evils of technology.  It is a reflection on something VERY challenging for children on the autsim spectrum: pretend play.

Ignatius would often be seen having many worlds going on inside his head.  He would walk down a store aisle with me as his fingers were going a mile a minute making some bizarre gestures.  He understood what he was doing.  In his pre-school years, I recall a chat with one of his teachers who presented this concern, "JoLynn, he just goes over to the corner and reads."  At the time, I chalked it up to yet another characteristic of introversion, and saw nothing atypical about it.  He was just making different choices than other kids.  That was allowable.

Max made similar choices for play.  He preferred repetitive things, like his ball table or spinning the wheels on a car, or lining up pieces of a puzzle.  He was not interested in engaging in pretend play.  I had been down this road before.  Although he pretended to be at his favorite thing---a car wash---his play was repetitive.  He often wants to do these things alone.

I have to add, this was one area in which I felt a little cheated.  I LOVED pretending as a child, I LOVE to act on a stage, and I believe I became a teacher because I LOVED playing make-believe with kids.  The incentive for many of these things were my own... not requiring adult micro-management.

This week, finally, after six years, Max gave me a little gift.  He typically plays with the little rubber edges to our workout mats (they become part of the car wash repetition).  This week, they became magic wands!  We turned his dad into a stone (that was particularly fun for me).  He has also had patches of make-believe here and there that I am sure have been building through his socialization at school.

So, what's the big deal?  My personal opinion is that pretending gets us ready for the big game.  I have watched both of my kids struggle to make social connections with others... to engage in play or show they did not wish to engage in play with others.  Pretending is practicing for the multiple social mergers we all do in life.  It's a risk-free time to try out conversation and see if we can get another to play along with the scenario we are creating.

Those with kids on the spectrum are not always given this opportunity.  I appreciate the blessing.  Carpe diem!

Spring has Sprung!

I just realized that the blizzard was the last thing I blogged about.  What a difference a month and a half makes!  Today was warm, windy, and a bit delightful here in Central IL.

It is finally Spring Break, much needed for all of the Plato family.  Yesterday and today, Ignatius and I ran/walked together.  Yesterday, we were outside.  Today, we went to 4 Seasons 1.  I ran the track, he walked the elliptical and treadmill.

The exciting part was that I REALLY ran.  I walked the first 5 minutes or so as a warm up (through the song, Dancing Queen), then I ran/jogged the rest through to the distance of a 5K (well, I stopped running at 3.2 miles).  It felt pretty good, I have to say.  I had been doing a run/walk for a while to save my foot, but I found today that just slowing my running pace was an OK thing as well.

The kids are great.  We had Max's IEP annual review.  That seemed to go well.  It's very difficult to plan goals when he changes so much within a year.  They are always willing to revisit his plan, which is nice.  I have to start gearing up for continuing his education throughout the summer months.  He's not always as receptive to mom wanting to do "academic" things with him.  He will be attending "Autism Camp" for 5 weeks.  That will work on social-emotional goals and maintaining social gains (I hope) that he has made this year. 

Ignatius registered for high school at Central Catholic.  He is really excited.  I find it hard to believe he is of age, but it's coming.  It hit me when we did not have to register for Holy Trinity for the first time in 9 years.

I am still crossing my fingers that the ministry at St. Pat's will catch on.  We had a meeting during "Blizzard Week," where myself and Ellen were the two participants.  We are trying again on April 9, this time offering child care and a bit lengthier blurb in the bulletin.  If that doesn't work, this just might not be the time.  But I can't say we didn't try.

So glad spring is here!  

What Seek Ye?

A few years before Max was born, I participated in a Bible study with a group of ladies in my parish.  One of the first things we were asked to do was to write a "What Seek Ye?" letter to the Lord. This was to guide our study of the book of John, the Lord's beloved disciple.  We used Beth Moore's Beloved Disciple as our guide.  Here's what I wrote, painfully unedited:

"What am I seeking?  It depends on the day.  Right now, today, 1/13/04, I seek knowledge that my decisions to NOT do certain things for the church are grounded.  I'm trying to place family first, while sacrificing things I could do.  Yet I add on more with my career without too much thought.  Still struggling workaholism, balanced with perfectionism.  I seek another child.  Just ONE more.  I seek to know why Jesus allows people who fail at child rearing to have children (and lots of them), yet Scott and I are left yearning, pining for more.  Does God know I can't handle more?  Is he trying to tell me that?  If so, how do I fill the hole in my heart?  I'm seeking to control my eating habits.  God has already placed Kim in my life to keep work outs consistent (thank you!).  Now how do I work to eat the way I know I should?  


I seek to realize and reciprocate how much Scott and Ignatius love me.  How do I show them how much I love them?  I seek wise words.  I have leadership abilities.  How am I using them?  Do I exude positivity or bring others down?  I seek to listen, to not make everything about me.  To balance, be 'understood as to understand.'  To NOT sound like a know-it-all.  To let others arrive at their own conclusions.  I seek to bury old wounds.  Let go past bad experiences.  Open myself up to the new, yet have learned from the old.  I seek to see each of my students' unique situations and bring them Christ when I can, though I cannot do so overtly in my job.  I suppose that'll do for now. :) "

I like to journal thoughts, especially my prayers, because I think the best part of the experience is going back and allowing the Holy Spirit to show how God answers prayers.  The human mind has the tendency to forget at times the most desperate of prayers.  Within that next year, I was pregnant with Max, though very close to giving up all hopes of having another child so that I could move on to other paths in my life.  I was feeling tremendous guilt over not being as active in my church as I had been accustomed to.  I was at that point feeling the burden of the many hats I was wearing, unsure of which ones God wanted on me, and not wanting to toss aside "the one."

Well, here I am again, seven years later, with that same question, "What seek ye?"  I am at the verge of asking our church to embark on a ministry.  I am willing, yet feeling inadequate, to lead this ministry.  I am seeking assurance from God that I have been hearing his calling correctly and am here to do his will.  I have not been "knee deep" in church activities for a decade, as the closer I got to the workings of the church, the more its humanity got in the way.  I preferred the unflawed version, which meant not being in the "inner sanctum."  I dropped RCIA, Ladies Auxiliary, Habitat for Humanity, Youth Ministry, lectoring, and eucharistic ministering.  My focus was to raise my child(ren) without other "things" taking up my precious time and without gossip destroying my faith.  Now, I stand on the threshold of breaking that... of asking for a ministry and being involved with its inception.  Is that REALLY what I am seeking? Isn't it enough to try to raise my special needs sons?

I have felt this voice for some time now.  It seems to be saying that there's more need out there than just my own.  The spirit moved me to persistent action, but it was not just for my benefit.  People are in need.  Parents need to know how to take a non-traditional path to forming their children's spirituality in a church steeped in tradition. 

What do I seek in my meeting tomorrow?
-Understanding: making my point known without becoming overly emotional (and thus losing credibility, in my opinion); having the people with whom I am meeting validate my perspective that a need exists
-Fortitude: to say what needs to be said, yet not alienate or place blame
-Wisdom: the ability to take what I know and "pull it out" when I need it, keeping the aforementioned "know-it-all" at bay

I want to leave the meeting with a feeling like real change can occur, that I am creating an opportunity, not a burden.  And I hope I can come away with an idea of what my part needs to be in all of this.  

Doing OK until...

Life does move on.  Every now and then, the wind gets knocked out of my day-to-day. 

I was simply adding things to my calendar.  Sending Outlook "invitations" for various dates.  In my list of invitations for Ignatius' Confirmation, it hits me that Marita would have been on that list.  Wham! 

I think Scott thinks I am nuts.  One minute OK, the next minute, melting down.  Yeesh! 

I know she'll "be there," but it's so difficult thinking of this being the first sacrament for my kids where she will be absent.  It's particularly hard because she so loved Ignatius. 

Thirteen Mother's Days

In celebrating Mother's Day this year, I reflect upon the gift of being a mother. It can be viewed that being the mother of children with special needs is burdensome. I agree that at times, I wallow in my, "This is not fair," conversation with the Lord. However, what keeps me grounded is the belief that each mother is given her motherhood road to travel.

I think of a friend who recently relayed a story to me about his brother's wife. They found out that she, at 5 months along on her pregnancy, was carrying a child with a birth defect. There was 0% chance of survival for the baby, and the longer the pregnancy went on, the more her life would be in danger. They are devoutly Christian, and strongly pro-life, and now had to enter what I call the "shades of gray" decision about aborting the baby. Her Mother's Day this year had to have been quite a trial.

Or, there's my friend, Julia, who is FINALLY celebrating her first Mother's Day. She has waited almost two decades for this to happen, and has finally adopted her son. Her Mother's Day this year had to have been euphoric.

Our Mass this morning focused a lot on Mary. I kept thinking about how old she would have been when Jesus' public life began... mid forties. And then he was killed before she was 50, most likely. I thought of the struggles that came with her pregnancy and the raising of Jesus.

There's such a wide spectrum of reaction from women who are mothers, who fulfill the role of mother, and who want to be mothers as far as Mother's Day is concerned. Where you are in your journey has a great deal to do with the savoring of the day. So the question is, where am I?

I am truly grateful for each and every day, even the days when I was told my sons were on the autism spectrum. Sure, I would love to change the financial hurdles we have had, or the depression, or the social challenges my children face in an unaccepting society, or even (trivially) the weight gain that all of these years has seen. I won't be naive enough to say there weren't parts that sucked. However, each and every part added a learning element to my life. I think each mother faces challenges, no matter what her child is like. The greatest blessing that I have is to "change the things I can, accept the things I cannot change, and be wise enough to know the difference."

Grumble, grumble, mumble...

"Mom, I need clay."

"For what?"

"I need to make a model of Mt. McKinley for math class."

"Well, how much clay?"

"I don't know."

This turned into hours of screaming, throwing things, and, well, I am not even getting to how Ignatius reacted...

Yes, this project is due on Tuesday. (No, it was not assigned on Friday.) Yes... he had to determine the % increase and % decrease between the object and the original. And yes, he himself chose Mt. {freaking} McKinley when he could have done this project on, oh, say, a FORK.

I love my son... and that is why he is still breathing right now.

And so it goes... and so it goes

This song seems to linger in my head. Just finished with Ignatius' birthday sleepover. In five days, he will be thirteen. A teenager. Quite surreal. What I noted while he was among his friends is that he's a really good kid. Truly, I am lucky. So many changes will happen while he is a "teenager." Junior high, high school, college... all in a seven year span. Crazy. I used to think 7 years was a long time, but it really is not. Just a blip.

Celebrate good times, come on!

As I type, I have five 13 year olds in my house for Ignatius' birthday sleepover. First, I shall count my blessings:

-My son has friends.
-My son has good friends.
-My son's friends are funny in a crazy, geeky way.
-My son is one of the calmest (if not THE calmest) in his group of friends.

Now, my annoyances:

-Man-children have no sense of the time-space continuum.
-Man-children can be really loud and sometimes obnoxious.
-Some man-children are far from clean.

They are now playing in the basement. Thank you, Lord, for the Wii, PS2, and Nintendo DS. They are my earthly salvation.

Some photo teasers

More of these photos are uploaded to Facebook, but I thought I would put out some "Blog teasers."

Ignatius Starts Seventh Grade

Today, Ignatius hesitantly entered his second year of junior high. He is growing like a weed, currently in size 16 shorts and 18 shirt. He had a great day overall, loves his teacher, and is exhausted.

Time keeps on slipping....

... into the future. Tick tock tick...

Yep, feeling a little old. Ignatius will be turning 12 this week. Max is almost completely potty trained. Rights of passage... fast passage.

Ignatius also found out today that his teacher has throat cancer. He LOVES his teacher, and he was very shaken by this news. We had to remind him that cancer is not a death sentence, and he knows several survivors, like his grandmother and his cousin. Alas, he also has voids in his life due to cancer: one of his godmothers and both of his paternal grandparents. I think the prognosis for his teacher is good (as translated through what Ignatius reported was said). Still, it's a dirty c word.

Cancer just sucks.

Deep Thoughts by Ignatius Plato

Driving in the car with my eleven year old is never, ever dull. Even if you wanted a quiet moment, it would not happen. Lately, I have been "torturing" him with what he calls "vampire music," aka the soundtrack from Twilight. It's really good, but, alas, I listen to it mainly through my iphone. Scott likens the experience to an AM transistor radio. :) Hey, I'm probably getting one of those little iphone stereo hookups in my car for my perseverance! Wise move. But I digress.

So, this morning I was torturing him for saying, "I didn't know you wanted me to get in the car," at 7:25 AM. Yes, we get in the car every morning at this time, yet this was his excuse for not having his shoes or coat on as his brother fought me over a Pop Tart that he did or did not want in a Zip Lock bag. (I KNOW it sounds confusing... it's my life, people.)

So, torture, anyway... I played the song, "I Caught Myself" by Paramore. After a moment, he comes out with, "I think this is a metaphor for addiction." Just about peed my pants with glee, being the English geek that I am. We had a brief discussion on his thoughts on this. So, here are the lyrics. You decide if the prodigy has a point. I think he brilliant, but I am a tad biased.

Don't worry. His next question of, "How did you push babies out?" was far more "sixth grade." Whew.

From Metrolyrics.com:

Down to you
You're pushing and pulling me down to you
But I don't know what I

Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something that
I should've never thought
Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something that
I should've never thought

Of you, of you
You're pushing and pulling me
Down to you
But I don't know what I want
No, I don't know what I want

You got it, you got it
Some kind of magic
Hypnotic, hypnotic
You're leaving me breathless
I hate this, I hate this!
You're not the one I believe in
With God as my witness

Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something that
I should've never thought
Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something that
I should've never thought

Of you, of you
You're pushing and pulling me
Down to you
But I don't know what I want
No, I don't know what I want
Don't know what I want
But I know it's not you
Keep pushing and pulling me down
When I know in my heart it's not you

Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something that
I should've never thought
Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something that
I should've never thought of you!
I knew, I know in my heart it's not you
I know, but now I know what I want! I want! I want!
Oh no! I should've never thought!

[Those who know Ignatius, how funny is it that the lyrics of this include "I had to stop myself from saying something that I should've never thought?" Life is colored with irony.]

Red Belt Boy

Ignatius completed his duration as a purple belt in TaeKwonDo on Saturday. He tested and is now a red belt. It's so hard to believe how far he has come. The instructors at Victory Academy are so dedicated and talented. He has learned a ton in the three years he has practiced with them. The slide show has many, many pics of his big day. Note well: He was the only purple belt testing. This meant he had to complete his purple belt form in front of everyone by himself. Those who know Ignatius know how big of a deal that was.

Sixth Grade Begins... for another Plato

I have been taking "first day of school" pics of Ignatius since Kindergarten. This year... I actually forgot! So these are his second day of school pics. He said it's OK, as he is in "junior high" now, so we can just take them on the second day of school. Such an easy-going lad at times, isn't he?

So, here he is, my growing-like-a-weed eleven year old, on his second day of sixth grade (technically, August 22, 2008).