In Which There's a Little Self Pity

I go about my day-to-day in a day-to-day manner.  There are ups, there are downs.  Yin meets yang.  And so it goes.

Sometimes, the most unexpected thing, however, can stop me in my tracks.  Like a simple video.  I just watched a video of a scrapbooker's nine month old twins.  Adorable!  Yet, there it came creeping back.  That feeling of being robbed.  The two were acting completely developmentally appropriately.  They were starting the babblings of a typical child of their age.  And in the cuteness of it all, I just felt robbed.  

Now, mind you, Ignatius hit fairly regular milestones...surpassed some of them.  He was able to show much of what I had seen in that video.  It was Maximilian who was robbed of these critical milestones.  I am not just wallowing in the past.  We are dealing with that in the present.

He is so proud of himself this year.  He is a "big boy."  A first grader.  He has been in the gen ed room pretty exclusively, with the help of an aide.  The homework comes home, and it is BRUTAL.  Writing and reading.  Reading and writing.  I have never seen a child try so hard to read and write.  I know I should seize the day...he's on his way.  But I can tell that, to Max, being with the other kids in his first grade class is critically important.  However, I also know as a teacher that he is behind where they are.  As his mother, I truly do not care.  He will get to his destination when he gets there.  

What I care about is that I think he will care as the gap becomes more apparent.  What happens when he gets just a wee older and differences are pointed out to him with shocking bluntness that only 4th graders can deliver?  I try to stay in the now, but living with ASD means you rarely get to do that.  You are constantly thinking one step ahead...what might trigger a bad situation?  How might this trip, perhaps your 100th, to the grocery store end in sure and certain disaster?  Once you get him in to Chuck E. Cheese, and he has dealt with that overstimulation, what's your plan to get him out?  What education plan is best for him?  What might be detrimental?  When has damage been done...when did you wait too long?  Did you hover too much?  Did you not advocate enough?

Every parent of a child on the spectrum will tell you that s/he loves his/her child.  But they would be lying if they said there are not days when you just ask why they couldn't be like every other kid their age, at least academically.  Why must they struggle this much?

And then, after your pity party, you wipe off the tears and move back into reality.