Unshakeable, Chapters 5 and 6

Chapter 5 Go the extra mile for families (but don't take forever to get there)

I know I was inadequately prepared for dealing with parents.  I began my teaching career in 1991, and I believe this was when the parenting shift was in full force.  Perhaps you have seen this cartoon?

I was more prepared for parents that acted the way I was raised.  If I got in trouble at school, I got in trouble at home.  It was my responsibility to get the best grades I was able, and it was my fault if I did not.  If I was going to be in activities, that was fine, as long as my grades did not suffer.  Then, something had to go.  Man, that pendulum has swung!  

I recall drafting a letter of resignation through tears in 1997 when I was about nine months pregnant.  The parents that year were ruthless.  I had been hailed by them when I taught their kids in sixth grade, and crucified (pardon the pun...Catholic school) by them when I taught the same students in seventh.  They were very social, so I knew their social gatherings had a moment or two of ripping me apart.  I was in my sixth year of teaching, five of which occurred at that school.  They were relentless.  They did not care why I was doing what I was doing, only that their children were not getting As.  And they made that very clear. Looking back, I was young and did not handle the situation the way I would have now.  But I truly believe they would not have picked the battle now.  I mean, one of them wrote me a scathing note the day I was to leave to have my baby.  Seriously.  I can't make this stuff up.  Luckily, I had a very supportive principal and great colleagues who told me standing firm was worth it. I am much stronger now in a lot of ways.

I always hold students to high levels. I realize that some of them can/will reach them, and some of them won't.  If it's a true learning disability that keeps them from achievement, I am in constant contact with their caseworkers to be sure I am accommodating their needs and modifying when appropriate. However, I learned something too late for my 27 year old self to benefit.  For a teacher to be successful with parents, you MUST LISTEN with empathy.  My younger self was listening to try to win them over to my point of view.  That is not what they were looking for.  I have learned to listen, to validate, to clarify, and to thank.  I have learned that a smile and pleasant tone will always help.  I have learned that you can talk an irate parent into being calmer, but you MUST LISTEN first. This mantra has served me well for years. 

I agree with many of Watson's points in this chapter.  Getting parents on your side, creating two-way communication (NBCTs unite!), being sensitive to the cultures which you are teaching, and taking the offense instead of the defense are all great, effective strategies.  Making parents your allies, your partners, takes solid commitment, and the time spent early in the year is worth it.

In my current employment, it is hard to get parents invested on the school end of things.  Some were not successful themselves, some do not want to hear bad things, some truly do not have time due to work schedules, and still others are dealing with abuse situations...substance, domestic, emotional...and are in crisis.  School is the least of their priorities.  Understanding that and loving on their children is vital.

Chapter 6 Learn to say "no" without guilt and make your "yes" really count

Oh my goodness. This chapter is so tough.  When you are a young, non-tenured teacher, you think you must say yes to everything and make a good impression.  We call it being "voluntold" when an admin comes to a newer teacher asking them to lead something or be active in something. You definitely do not feel like "no" is an option in those situations. You get into the "yes" habit, and saying "no" becomes very hard.  

One thing that struck me as interesting in this chapter was the idea of parents signing that they have read and agree to your policies.  Well, Angela, what if they don't agree?  For example, my son's high school had a late work policy I abhorred.  If something was late, the highest grade possible was a 50%.  Man, I cannot tell you how much that policy, and its effects, made me want to scream. I wonder if she offers parents an option that they read the policies, but disagree with some of them.

I liked her point on page 82, "Your job is not to treat everyone equally, but to treat them equitably," meaning some parents will require more of your time and resources than others for very good reasons.  We must differentiate our time use with parents similarly to how we differentiate instruction.

Watson's suggestions to soften the blow of "no" are really good.  In fact, the "I can't say yes" option on p. 88-89 is one I plan to try Monday with one of my students who gets irate when "no" is said.  She wraps up the chapter with a point it took me years to realize: 

When you start to feel guilty about saying no, remember what you have effectively said yes to. Saying no to a colleague means saying yes to time for relaxing that evening.  Saying no to a student's parent means saying yes to time with your own children.