What Seek Ye?

A few years before Max was born, I participated in a Bible study with a group of ladies in my parish.  One of the first things we were asked to do was to write a "What Seek Ye?" letter to the Lord. This was to guide our study of the book of John, the Lord's beloved disciple.  We used Beth Moore's Beloved Disciple as our guide.  Here's what I wrote, painfully unedited:

"What am I seeking?  It depends on the day.  Right now, today, 1/13/04, I seek knowledge that my decisions to NOT do certain things for the church are grounded.  I'm trying to place family first, while sacrificing things I could do.  Yet I add on more with my career without too much thought.  Still struggling workaholism, balanced with perfectionism.  I seek another child.  Just ONE more.  I seek to know why Jesus allows people who fail at child rearing to have children (and lots of them), yet Scott and I are left yearning, pining for more.  Does God know I can't handle more?  Is he trying to tell me that?  If so, how do I fill the hole in my heart?  I'm seeking to control my eating habits.  God has already placed Kim in my life to keep work outs consistent (thank you!).  Now how do I work to eat the way I know I should?  


I seek to realize and reciprocate how much Scott and Ignatius love me.  How do I show them how much I love them?  I seek wise words.  I have leadership abilities.  How am I using them?  Do I exude positivity or bring others down?  I seek to listen, to not make everything about me.  To balance, be 'understood as to understand.'  To NOT sound like a know-it-all.  To let others arrive at their own conclusions.  I seek to bury old wounds.  Let go past bad experiences.  Open myself up to the new, yet have learned from the old.  I seek to see each of my students' unique situations and bring them Christ when I can, though I cannot do so overtly in my job.  I suppose that'll do for now. :) "

I like to journal thoughts, especially my prayers, because I think the best part of the experience is going back and allowing the Holy Spirit to show how God answers prayers.  The human mind has the tendency to forget at times the most desperate of prayers.  Within that next year, I was pregnant with Max, though very close to giving up all hopes of having another child so that I could move on to other paths in my life.  I was feeling tremendous guilt over not being as active in my church as I had been accustomed to.  I was at that point feeling the burden of the many hats I was wearing, unsure of which ones God wanted on me, and not wanting to toss aside "the one."

Well, here I am again, seven years later, with that same question, "What seek ye?"  I am at the verge of asking our church to embark on a ministry.  I am willing, yet feeling inadequate, to lead this ministry.  I am seeking assurance from God that I have been hearing his calling correctly and am here to do his will.  I have not been "knee deep" in church activities for a decade, as the closer I got to the workings of the church, the more its humanity got in the way.  I preferred the unflawed version, which meant not being in the "inner sanctum."  I dropped RCIA, Ladies Auxiliary, Habitat for Humanity, Youth Ministry, lectoring, and eucharistic ministering.  My focus was to raise my child(ren) without other "things" taking up my precious time and without gossip destroying my faith.  Now, I stand on the threshold of breaking that... of asking for a ministry and being involved with its inception.  Is that REALLY what I am seeking? Isn't it enough to try to raise my special needs sons?

I have felt this voice for some time now.  It seems to be saying that there's more need out there than just my own.  The spirit moved me to persistent action, but it was not just for my benefit.  People are in need.  Parents need to know how to take a non-traditional path to forming their children's spirituality in a church steeped in tradition. 

What do I seek in my meeting tomorrow?
-Understanding: making my point known without becoming overly emotional (and thus losing credibility, in my opinion); having the people with whom I am meeting validate my perspective that a need exists
-Fortitude: to say what needs to be said, yet not alienate or place blame
-Wisdom: the ability to take what I know and "pull it out" when I need it, keeping the aforementioned "know-it-all" at bay

I want to leave the meeting with a feeling like real change can occur, that I am creating an opportunity, not a burden.  And I hope I can come away with an idea of what my part needs to be in all of this.