Clarity

Every year for the last several years, starting in 2012, I have picked a word and participated in Ali Edwards' One Little Word workshop throughout the year.  This year's word that I have chewed on for 7 months is

For July, I have been sitting with my word almost daily. A question that keeps surfacing: About what am I clear at this point in 2020? I thought I would take some time for a brain dump on my sorely neglected blog.  

It is clear to me:

• that life is precious
• that talking about lives affected in terms of percentages is callous
• that the society I live in (United States) believes it is invincible
• that hypocrisy is rampant
• that we are all affected by COVID-19
• that public opinion changes on a dime
• that people can amass great amounts of power and have very little sense
• that schools and their teachers are vital to a well-running economy
• that children's sports are viewed as more important than protecting children's health
• that a large portion of US society gets an F in science
• that critical thinking and discussions are skills that must be instilled in our youth and retaught to our adults
• that I look through the world with the lens of a white female
• that I can always make it a priority to understand a different perspective
• that shutting my mouth and listening is not synonymous to agreeing, and it is helpful for the common good
• that sometimes people with good intentions make bad decisions 
• that wide brushes need to be put away
• that I can't be surprised at how we treat people of all backgrounds when we abort unborn babies and neglect the aging
• that considering a person's intersectionality helps in understanding his/her view
• that I need to perpetually think and surround myself with minds that bring up differing perspectives
• that my definition of summer has non-negotiables
• that altering the rhythms and seasons of life can have a ripple effect in my emotional health
• that social media can build up as well as tear down
• that everyone is doing the best they can with what they have
• that we need to lean in to delayed gratification
• that I dislike feeling physically vulnerable because of the non-action of those in charge of my well-being
• that autism can be lonely when you are a teenager
• that hiring practices rely heavily on social communication skills that are created through a lens that excludes many
• that I need to open a school that has alternative "business" hours for kids whose circadian rhythm matches mine
• that powerful women can intimidate the weak
• that depression sucks the life out of its victims
• that the new "normal" stinks, but God has a reason for new pathways
• that my job as a human is to learn the lessons that this time in history is teaching

That's a whole lot of clarity!

JoLynn

On Grey's Anatomy and Reliving Traumatic Experiences

One of my general rules of life has been: Face it.  In life, there are shitty things that happen.  Avoidance does not make them go away.  Facing gives them less power.  But I think my theory has its holes.

When I was younger, and I was sure the Winter Warlock or Bigfoot was outside my window waiting to snatch me up (second story window in the city...talk about irrational), my way of "facing" that was to close my eyes tight until I fell asleep.  If my eyes were closed, whatever was out there could not touch me.  Or at least that was my logic.  And it worked.  Morning came.  I was safe.

However, there are bigger things in life that happen, and deeper wounds that I really think, rather than "facing" them to become calloused to the pain, I might need to start avoiding.

I think I should have turned this week's Grey's Anatomy off when I saw what was coming, but I figured "facing it" would be healthier.  For the last few seasons, Grey's has been fairly jolting and heavily sad.  There was an episode where a newly pregnant Meredith watched a gunman shoot her husband and then had a subsequent miscarriage.  This gunman had gone on a frightening rampage through the hospital.  I was pretty shaken by that episode.  Being in a profession that has "intruder plans," the idea of people going on shooting rampages is, alas, part of what could be any teacher's reality.  So, that episode was brutal on my emotions.

In this week's episode, a family was in an accident.  All of the adults in the car passed away.  One after the other.  First the grandmother, then the mother, then the dad, leaving the three children orphaned.  The oldest child was celebrating her 18th birthday.  She watched each of these persons in her life die.  Her father was on life support and his organs were slowly shutting down.  She had to decide to take him off life support.  It was at that point that I COMPLETELY lost it.  From the decision to her watching her father take his last breaths without a respirator, I was a mess.  It was not a "therapeutic" feeling.  It reopened a wound, and it felt awful.  So, my theory of facing things that are difficult really did not work out too well in this situation.

I know in life I cannot avoid stories that involve the ends of people's lives, and not every "death" scenario makes me have this type of reaction.  However, I am not sure intentionally exposing myself to storylines that take me down an emotional road that caused me decades to deal with is entirely necessary.  Live and learn.

Thirteen Mother's Days

In celebrating Mother's Day this year, I reflect upon the gift of being a mother. It can be viewed that being the mother of children with special needs is burdensome. I agree that at times, I wallow in my, "This is not fair," conversation with the Lord. However, what keeps me grounded is the belief that each mother is given her motherhood road to travel.

I think of a friend who recently relayed a story to me about his brother's wife. They found out that she, at 5 months along on her pregnancy, was carrying a child with a birth defect. There was 0% chance of survival for the baby, and the longer the pregnancy went on, the more her life would be in danger. They are devoutly Christian, and strongly pro-life, and now had to enter what I call the "shades of gray" decision about aborting the baby. Her Mother's Day this year had to have been quite a trial.

Or, there's my friend, Julia, who is FINALLY celebrating her first Mother's Day. She has waited almost two decades for this to happen, and has finally adopted her son. Her Mother's Day this year had to have been euphoric.

Our Mass this morning focused a lot on Mary. I kept thinking about how old she would have been when Jesus' public life began... mid forties. And then he was killed before she was 50, most likely. I thought of the struggles that came with her pregnancy and the raising of Jesus.

There's such a wide spectrum of reaction from women who are mothers, who fulfill the role of mother, and who want to be mothers as far as Mother's Day is concerned. Where you are in your journey has a great deal to do with the savoring of the day. So the question is, where am I?

I am truly grateful for each and every day, even the days when I was told my sons were on the autism spectrum. Sure, I would love to change the financial hurdles we have had, or the depression, or the social challenges my children face in an unaccepting society, or even (trivially) the weight gain that all of these years has seen. I won't be naive enough to say there weren't parts that sucked. However, each and every part added a learning element to my life. I think each mother faces challenges, no matter what her child is like. The greatest blessing that I have is to "change the things I can, accept the things I cannot change, and be wise enough to know the difference."

Hello, Xanax.

Out of the blue and totally unprepared for... Boom! Anxiety attack today. I haven't had one in months, and I was definitely not expecting this one.

I believe the trigger was the writing I was doing. I have to work on my National Board recertification in the next several weeks, and I was trying to crank out quite a bit today. I have procrastinated with this for quite some time... dragging my feet on every part of it, but getting what I need together. I have to say, what I wrote today was awesome. But, it must have dragged me back to the last time I had to write that intensely about my profession. Boom, indeed!

I am OK now, and apparently, I can expect this feeling over the next month while I get some things together. I have a few presentations this month as well as this lovely thing needing to be postmarked by the 30th. Glad I still have some Xanax.